I've been discovering the reason "why".

My heart has not been ready. Deep inside, I did not want what I saw coming.

My heart was torn. But now God is showing me. I had to be prepared because I was not ready.

But it is coming soon. It is coming sooner than I realize.

It wasn't that my heart wasn't "ready" in the way it sounds. It is different than the "ready" that comes to your head. It has nothing to do with ability. It has nothing to do with spiritual maturity. It has everything to do with timing.

It is coming rapidly now. I see it differently than before.

Fear has no power when faith is involved. Knowing too much, seeing too much & personal experience has to be handed over. To move into the future & the right timing you must leave it all at the alter.

Past experience cannot have a hold on what is to come. Here I come. I'm ready... ready or not.

Ridicuolous

I officially just want to give up...

I find inspiration in a lot of things. A lot of things inspire me. Things inspire me... that I find. Sometimes I wish I could be inspired by one thing at a time so I can finish my thought process before being distracted by the next inspiration.

Where has my heart been? Its been hiding like a lunatic. It gets scared sometimes. There’s a lot out there. A lot of overwhelming things. But never the less its an adventure out there & by all means my heart is an adventurer... It just needs a little encouragement every now & then to come out of the bear cave.

Love. Its a beautiful thing when you think about what it really is. I am very loved by many people. The fact that I have people around me who will deal with me even when I’m un-dealable (I just made a new word) is electrifying! It amazes me that I can be loved by others even through the years of my wrong. I want to love people in a deeper measure than I have been loved because I want YOU to experience the awesomeness I have experienced x 2 x explosion x fist pump x rocket boost-a-trillionz!

Sometimes its hard to comprehend that people you don’t even know yet could potentially love you unconditionally. Yes, a person you’ve never met could possibly have the capacity to love you! We just have to give people the opportunity to love us. That can be super hard. What if they find out I’m the worst person I know? What if they realize that I sometimes feel like I’m a natural disaster waiting to happen? What if they notice I pick my nose sometimes... Without a tissue!?! But really, you have to turn around & ask yourself, what could be so bad another HUMAN can’t at least lovingly TRY to understand or even possibly relate to on some level. You just got to give them the chance. Hard. Core.

We all got our hang-ups.

Sometimes we’ve been hurt. Misunderstandings. Sometimes more than a misunderstanding. Sometimes real, purposeful pain. Sometimes naive pain. Sometimes arrogant pain. Sometimes people think they know better than you & lose your trust. Trust can be a big hang up. Distrust can cause you to grip your own heart so tightly it goes numb. It feels safe in your own hands. The only one that can hurt you is yourself. You have the control. But you also don’t give anyone the chance or light of day. You don’t give them the opportunity to love you. Don’t hog your heart.

You’re heart is a muscle & it needs to beat. It needs to be stretched. It needs to be worked out. Muscles get sore. Sometimes they get injured. But a healthy muscle heals in good time. It gets stronger, too. Obviously over working your heart isn’t healthy either, but if you’re just letting it sit there, grasping it, not letting it do anything, not letting it see even a corner of your little world, than you are letting it grow weak. It is of no use if the blood isn’t flowing through it.

So, how do we love? How can I trust? How do we allow ourselves to be loved? How do we be free without getting hurt?

To love, be loved, & trust means we have to give it all up. We have to lift our fitted fingers from around our hearts & turn it over to Jesus, the only one who can show us these “how to’s”. This is not a DIY project... You have to allow him to heal your heart, your wounds... Restore whatever punctures that may have invaded your heart. You have to allow him to speak to you about how He sees you & know who you are in Him. You have to allow Him to love you in all of your human ways. When you can allow God to love you its much easier to allow others to love you.

So what about getting hurt? The truth is we live in a world where hurt exist. There is no way around it. Getting hurt is a risk you have to be willing to take if you truly desire Unconditional Love to overflow from within you. There is no promise that you will be unconditionally loved by humans but when you unconditionally love others you are potentially helping someone else come to the realization that they need to lighten their own gripped heart.

Love has been such a close subject to me. 1 Corinthians 13 kind of Love. There’s so much power behind the Love of Christ. I feel that when Christians really grasp this Love & entangle it into their very depths a lot of the other stuff we try to “righteously” “accomplish” follows. I mean, no one on this earth can perfectly love... Jesus/God/Holy Spirit are/is the only one(s) who can perfectly love & we surely can’t Love at all without Jesus infiltrating us.

Let Him be your love guide.

Now to recap...

Step 1: Let Jesus Love me! Just let Him dang it!

Step 2: KNOW that He loves me. No matter what!! He LOVES ME!

Step 3: Step out & love others. Love them the way I have been loved!

Step 4: Step out & allow my self to be potentially loved by others.

Step 5: Just Be Loved

Do I Believe?

I am exhausted. I want to be asleep. My eyes were droopy and I was well on my way to slumber but something was keeping me up. This time it really wasn't my over productive night time thoughts. It was honestly just a "so sleepy I just can't sleep" syndrome... after which transitioned into over productive night time thoughts that spawned on this post.

Hmm... I think everything I have ever written on here has probably been written after midnight when I'm supposed to be asleep.

I have so much going on within me that I don't even know what's going on. There has been a battle raging inside of me and I have no idea what its against.

Tonight one of my many thoughts, both important thoughts and those that would qualify as not quite as important, was that of where I am in the life of "ministry". I've struggled for many months trying to figure out why people of God can't grasp a vision for one in vocational ministry & be supportive, even with just words. For so long I have prayed that people would begin to not believe in what I am doing with my life, yet instead believe in what GOD is doing through my life. Well, tonight I had what one would call an "epiphany"... I, myself, have some how slipped into not believing in what God can do through me. What a terrible thing to find that you have some how taken on a mind set of talent, ability and qualification or more so the lack of rather than trusting in the one who gives life, breaths talent, makes ability and creates qualification. I've gone so far left that I may just meet myself back to the right... it just takes 10 times as long to get there.

At this time I'm praying to overcome what seems to be my one of many hurdles. The others which include fear, failure, apathy, discipline, among many other things which coincidently probably all tie in together with the hurdle mentioned above.

I've played this game to long now & since I have been given the grace of truth & revelation I am praying & hoping for a new mindset, a choice to change & a new outcome. My redeemer lives & He loves me even in my struggle, my idioticness, my lack of receptiveness & understanding, in my time of being unteachable & distant. He is grace to me & He doesn't think I've failed even if I really think I've just completely screwed everything & the world up.

HE is Beauty when I become the Beast.

Seasonal Moments

Winter: Dry and cold. Hearts of frozen. Dreaded snow. Wet socks. Dry cracking lips. Shattered ice and frosty men. This is the season I am in.

Spring: Blooming Flowers. Colors bright. Singing songs of day and night. Soft white dresses, lace and bows. Ribbons, satins, graceful trim. This is the one they dress me in.

Summer: Sun and warmth. Late night fun. Ocean, soaking, riding boats. Swim and laughter. Jollification and relaxation. Camping, starry nights, carrying on. This is a time that I miss quite so.

Fall: Wispy leaves, whispering breeze. Orange, red, yellow. Changing things. Canopy of brilliance. Brisk and beautiful. Bring me there where I may find peace.