Do I Believe?

I am exhausted. I want to be asleep. My eyes were droopy and I was well on my way to slumber but something was keeping me up. This time it really wasn't my over productive night time thoughts. It was honestly just a "so sleepy I just can't sleep" syndrome... after which transitioned into over productive night time thoughts that spawned on this post.

Hmm... I think everything I have ever written on here has probably been written after midnight when I'm supposed to be asleep.

I have so much going on within me that I don't even know what's going on. There has been a battle raging inside of me and I have no idea what its against.

Tonight one of my many thoughts, both important thoughts and those that would qualify as not quite as important, was that of where I am in the life of "ministry". I've struggled for many months trying to figure out why people of God can't grasp a vision for one in vocational ministry & be supportive, even with just words. For so long I have prayed that people would begin to not believe in what I am doing with my life, yet instead believe in what GOD is doing through my life. Well, tonight I had what one would call an "epiphany"... I, myself, have some how slipped into not believing in what God can do through me. What a terrible thing to find that you have some how taken on a mind set of talent, ability and qualification or more so the lack of rather than trusting in the one who gives life, breaths talent, makes ability and creates qualification. I've gone so far left that I may just meet myself back to the right... it just takes 10 times as long to get there.

At this time I'm praying to overcome what seems to be my one of many hurdles. The others which include fear, failure, apathy, discipline, among many other things which coincidently probably all tie in together with the hurdle mentioned above.

I've played this game to long now & since I have been given the grace of truth & revelation I am praying & hoping for a new mindset, a choice to change & a new outcome. My redeemer lives & He loves me even in my struggle, my idioticness, my lack of receptiveness & understanding, in my time of being unteachable & distant. He is grace to me & He doesn't think I've failed even if I really think I've just completely screwed everything & the world up.

HE is Beauty when I become the Beast.