As I sit here taking in the aromas of my herbal tea; smells of chamomile, lemon grass, spearmint and vanilla. I sit in the blissfulness of quiet. The only noise singing is the sound of air swiftly whispering through the vents. Right now my mind rivals with my heart... Doubts, fears, thoughts of love and future. Why do the lights turn on and the wheels turn in my head once the moon tells bedtime stories and the stars sing lullabies? Every night I am positively overwhelmed with pondering mostly about how my life ought to be.

I think and wonder near every night if I did not one thing that brought glory to my Father’s name. I ask have I been living lately as if tomorrow will never come and I feel obligated to tell you I haven’t.

There are days I think about if I had chosen another path or route for my life what it would be like. I know with out a shadow of a doubt that I am to go into all the world, be light of love and move people toward and forward with Jesus but I have my moments where I am curious as to in what ways things would be different if I had gone another direction or took a different turn at the intersection. I know these thoughts are futile and would be considered foolish as well. They are mindless and get you no where. If anything good could come from it may be that it could motivate one to do their very best for what they have at hand. I like that. I’ll stick with it.

Though all in vain those thoughts seem to be I still stumble on the conclusion that I am surely pursuing, even ever so slowly what I was created to do. No regrets, no turning around, no second glances. The grass always looks greener on the other side but most of us when faced with the reality of it know its usually brown and prickly. I am more than thankful for being called God’s child and being in the family (God’s family) business. It is a treasure that cannot be concealed but instead shared with excitement and brilliance.

My life is not to be about success or what I do with my time, its that my heart was and is in the right place as I step. Man looks on the outside yet God looks at the very organ that pumps life through your veins.

I seem to want a lot now and not have to wait. I wish I could toss certain things in life into the microwave, wait a couple minutes then BING! The work is done. I’m trying very hard to enjoy the process of life and not take any second of it for granted. Even the hard, growing experiences that are little less than pleasurable.

Our life is but a speck of dust blown away by a gust in a split of a second. It has been weighed, it has been measured... Has it been found wanting?

We choose so much in our lives and our choices affect a lot of the outcome not only in our own lives but in others around us. We hold so much in our own hands. Nothing is yet set in cold stone. But like a new breath, so is a new day, a new song, a new choice and a new pathway.

There is this saying that says, ‘whenever God closes a door He always opens a window”. In regards to that I have heard that when He does such a thing... if He opens a window the only way to go through it is for us to fly and we wouldn’t fly unless He has given us the wings to do it. I have wings. Why do I tie them down so with string? Someone please pass the scissors?

Oh my mind... Inspiration is around every corner, in every crack in every glimmer in every avant-garde word. I like sleeping in different places around the house. I’m indescribably appreciative of having my own bed which is more than anyone could ever ask for and I use it more often then not but at times I find myself not content with the same arrangement and will find another place to rest my head, though only as if in the boundaries of my families house. I am currently down stairs in the living room. I find that being in a familiar place that I don’t typically spend time sleeping in gives a certain calming and refreshment to my soul. The atmosphere is different. The sounds are different. The feel is different. Yet I am comfortable because I know where I am.

As I allow myself here to run away with words I cannot describe the motion that I feel, the release I give off even though it is all jumbled up notes that don’t resemble my outside apparatus. I am able to get rid of the structure or lack there of that my brain intently holds onto and be some what more productive than a whimsical dream world or laboratory of intense battles between heart and mind or an endless circle of provoking thoughts that never get me anywhere.

I’m tired and distressed about only thinking, always fearing, never ending, always moving, getting no where, seemingly lazy, melancholy idleness I’ve seemed to drift in and can’t escape. Its not true! There’s the exit sign. I’m headed the right way even on a set of crutches... I will get there. And there’s my window opportunity. Stretch those wings and fly.

God is my defender. God is my delight. I trust Him. He will always be on my side. I have nothing to worry, nothing to hide. God is my best friend, my joy, my guide.

God,

I love you more than anything. I want to prove my love and your existence. I want to be humbled before you at your service. I want you to be the very center of everything that I do. I want people to see you when they look my direction and not an ounce of me. I want to move vigorously through your spirit lacking nothing. I want to live! I want to love! I want to be with You always. Thanks for being my friend. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for the advice. Thank you for putting up with me and thank you dearly for creating me and giving me purpose.

Love,

Ash